Here is my response to my parents. If you actually bother to read it and notice any typos/grammatical errors, please let me know. If you don't read it, I'll understand. It's long.
03/10/05
Dearest parents,
I received your well-intentioned letter in the mail Wednesday, and am writing to you with my response:
I don’t hate school; in fact, I actually enjoy it most of the time. I have had no problem maintaining enthusiasm for my magazine writing class, my history class, my Bible as literature class. But I loathe my engineering classes. I hate going to them. When I do manage to drag myself to an engineering class, say thermodynamics, or system analysis, I stare at my paper, the wall, the clock, my fingernails—anything to keep from paying attention to the awful drone of my professor’s voice. I don’t care about heat transfer, I don’t care about how best to model a signal. It is torture just to sit in those classes and feel like I have learned nothing during the past four years.
I hate doing the homework, and it is not just laziness (despite what I’m sure you believe about me from my 8th grade track record, as mothers never forget). I have actually enjoyed writing articles for my magazine writing class and putting together presentations for the professional writing class I took last spring. But doing an engineering assignment is a torture worse than death. To sit and stare at a (poorly-written) textbook, trying to find some obscure formula that isn’t listed in the index, just so I can plug in some randomly calculated number, and know that it is all pointless because we are still working in the “elementary” realm and ignoring things like friction and air resistance, is the least exciting thing mankind has ever developed.
I hate my engineering classes so much that the thought of finishing another year of them has become a complete drain on me, emotionally. I have lost interest in all other activities, including Ski Team. I only went to practice one time this season (despite its being offered twice each week for the duration of winter). And it wasn’t because I was too busy; I just didn’t feel like going. I rejoiced when our first two races were cancelled because it meant that I could stay in bed all weekend and not think about the hell that is my life.
I have become increasingly irritable recently, and at the urging of other people, I am seeing a counselor (as offered free to me for ten sessions through OSU). I’m not sure if that is really helping me or not, but I know one thing that is helping me: not thinking about my major. As soon as I walked into the Landscape Horticulture building to change my major, it seemed as though an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders (a clichéd phrase, I know, but I’m in a bit of a hurry).
I have thought for years that I should change my major, but a blind (and idiotic) determination kept me going. It was like I had to prove that I was good enough, that giving up would be seen as a failure. I must admit, I am guilty of making fun of those people who switched into business. I criticized them for taking the easy way out. But isn’t the most homophobic man the one who is actually gay himself? And likewise, wouldn’t I, the most vehement opponent of the business major, or any other major I considered to be “easy,” be the one most afraid of being seen as a failure by others if I admitted my dislike for engineering?
I am now allowing myself the freedom to realize, for the first time, that I hate engineering and have always hated engineering. The fear of wasting my time in school has always been deep down inside me, but somewhere I adopted the ridiculous idea that I could just stick it out through school, get my degree, and then not be an engineer. The idea of changing my major seemed impossible; I’d already committed to the engineering curriculum, and I should just suck it up and finish my degree.
But why? Why should I finish a degree that bores me with the intention of throwing it away? Spending 4 (or 5) years in school for nothing would be a much greater waste of time and money. Why shouldn’t I be happy? Why shouldn’t I choose a major that actually sounds enjoyable?
I’m not sure if horticulture is the way to go or not, but really, I am at such a loss right now for any ideas about what to do with my life that I decided to pick one. This is how I decided: I went through the entire list of major offered at Ohio State and eliminated the ones that sounded boring. I went through my list of acceptable majors and thought about what kind of work I really want to do (all I know is it involves being active and working outside, preferably with people). Some majors seemed interesting (social work, nursing, exercise science, etc.), but they were eliminated based on the narrow focus of the degree (social work, nursing), or by the lack of outdoor activity (exercise science).
Landscape horticulture seems like an interesting path; I could go many ways with it. I could get into landscape design (which would be great to do in the public sector, as in designing parks and playgrounds, especially in poorer areas of town that are really in need for beauty in the community), or nursery or greenhouse management.
I’m not sure what your intent was by sending me that article and letter. From the article, I learned that mechanical, civil, and chemical engineers are in the highest demand. If you will recall, my former major was biological engineering, which has nothing to do with any of the major listed in the article. The article was written from a very industrial point of view; if anything, it reassured my decision that I did not want to follow through with the path to engineering, as I would likely be stuck in some factory somewhere supervising the manufacture of bearings. All I know about bearings is that they have no bearing on my life.
The letter you sent me from Matty Designs was nothing more than an advertisement. Do you mean to tell me that aspiring to own a business, landscaping or otherwise, is a pipe dream? The letter was a little corny, yes. I really don’t care about your “landscaping dreams.” But I consider myself a skilled writer, and I would never put such an expression in a sales letter.
If your concern with that letter is that the owner, James R. Matty, would be doing the grunt work, let me make the following points:
First, I like working outside. I like being dirty. My job at the Board of Health this summer involved sticking my arm deep into a vat of rotting grass and water, a combination that smelled like fecal matter. It involved loading heavy containers (six gallons, to be exact) full of this stinking water in the hot sun, sometimes in the rain, into the bed of a truck. It involved driving to people’s houses and pouring out the fragrant mix, sometimes spilling it on myself. It involved pumping, by hand, many gallons of insecticide into the tanks of the foggers on the mosquito trucks. It involved a lot of intense physical labor, sweating in the sun, and I liked it. I liked it because I was never bored, and always entertained. I liked it because I could listen to the radio while I worked. I liked it because I have never appreciated a shower more than I enjoyed it when I got home from work. I liked it because I didn’t have to wear nice clothes. I liked it because I rarely sat at a desk. I liked it because it was not what most would consider a “normal” job.
Second, James R. Matty has employees under him; he is not the only one who comes to work on his clients’ properties. He probably does a lot of supervision and not a lot of labor. How do I know this? By looking at his letter. Your names, “David and Adrienne,” are handwritten in a black pen with slightly pale undertones, in handwriting resembling that of a 10th grade girl. No grown man uses that kind of handwriting; it is a distinctly feminine, and distinctly young, style. Also, James Matty has signed the letter himself, in his own handwriting, using a black, but slightly different color of black, pen. If he is stuck doing this boring work at his job, then why would he bother to write your name on the paper using one pen, and then come back to sign it using a different pen, rather than just addressing the letter and signing his name in one quick act?
You said in your letter that I might want to consider a career in teaching. Let me first say that any further classes I would take in an engineering curriculum would have no relevance to being a teacher; I could get into education graduate school with a horticulture degree just as easily as an engineering degree because I will have had the same number of required classes. Either way, I would be given an admission condition, and I would have to make up some classes upon my acceptance into grad school.
If you’re concerned about the salary, let me first stay that I don’t think you should be teaching your children to be money grubbers. There is much more to life than money, and I would consider a career that I actually enjoy to be more important than a miserable, soulless existence with $90K in the bank. The average starting salary figure I gave you, $28,000, was from a brochure printed in 2000. What were average starting teaching salaries in 2000? Probably not much higher.
And let’s not forget that I could still go to law school. Engineering has nothing to do with law, so the delusion that I would be more likely to get into law school with an engineering degree is unfounded. At the very least, I will be more likely to get into graduate school by studying a major that I enjoy. An enjoyable major will increase my motivation, in turn increasing my GPA. I am certain that my GPA has not maintained honors status not because I am stupid, but because I hate my classes.
You can try to convince me that landscape horticulture is not the way to go. I will probably even listen to suggestions, as I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. But to suggest that I stay in engineering to finish out a curriculum that makes me miserable, to suggest that I am just a silly little girl who doesn’t know what she wants, is an insult to my intelligence. Any further communication about the subject will be welcome, until the engineering curriculum is mentioned, at which point I will terminate said communication until it can be discussed in a civil matter.
I know that you want the best for me. Please understand that engineering is definitely not the best for me.
Love,
Daughter Dearest
